自己说自己疯了，是容易的，
很大声的说出来，
抢先说出来，
是因为害怕别人先说，
‘阿练已经疯了 ’
却原来即使我抢先说了，打了预防针，
当我在邮箱中看到这样的话，
‘ 阿练是不是疯了 ’
还是非常畏缩。
我的社交恐惧感，
认定自己在他人心中的评价很差，
而那个很差的最低点，就是 ‘ 阿练疯了’ 。
我已经退缩到没有可以退的地方，
只好任由恐慌发作。
我的恐慌症。
半年不敢踏出家门一步，那么严重，竟然没有人想到我是不是应该去看一下医生。
我是怎么活到那个地步的?
十来年前，大家对心理卫生、心理和精神健康的认识真有那么缺乏，
现在看来那么显著，不必问阿贵，连阿茂都会知道的社交恐慌、人群恐慌，
只能无助的陷下去。
我那么害怕人。
不时发作。
从小学三年级开始，第一次发作，忽然丧失上学的勇气，
极度恐慌，一要上学就痛哭，需要有我可以信任的人，贴身陪伴。
而我的生命中，总是有人，总是有一个人，陪伴我。
三年级的时候是祖母。
她没有别的怀疑，
她的阿芳，
就是一个品学兼优、能够打败全级数百名学生，考第一名回家的小小女状元。
小小女状元忽然不敢上学，一定是学校有人欺负她，
她就每天跟我一起坐校车上学，
我上课，她坐在课室外面等我，等到放学，陪我一起坐校车回家。
接近一个月。
这事我曾经写过，
后来是有一天，祖母跟我说她屎急上厕所，没有厕纸，她取了一勺水来洗屁股，
她说的时候还哈哈哈哈，
但是我很心痛，觉得祖母一个人在校园中好可怜，连大便都不方便，
就对祖母说，我可以自己上学了。
那是第一次，我度过了。
第二次是我开始在新潮上班的时候。
二十出头，有一天，舅母拜托我去南洋商报，帮她取一本邮购的草药书，
我跟我当时的男朋友一起去了，
到了门口，
我很记得那天，
忽然我不敢进去。
就那么一下子。
之前还是兴致勃勃的，就那么一下子，天地变色， 一切人事变得非常可怕，
我没有勇气踏入南洋商报。
我的男朋友替我取了书。
第二天开始，我不敢搭巴士上班，我非常恐惧，不停的哭。
那时我的男朋友就住在我们家，每天早上，
他必须陪我走到半山芭大华戏院前面，和我一起搭车到 kotaraya，
再从kotaraya搭车到八打灵生活出版社。
维持了一段时间，他慢慢的，只陪我到 kotaraya， 然后只陪我到大华戏院，
然后停止陪我出门。
我又度过了。
第三次发作，接近三十岁，
从前的男朋友已是我的丈夫，
我半年不敢出门，他也由得我。
第三次其实很严重，
但是我看了‘ 西藏生死书 ’，受到启发，有了一次神秘经验，看到自己的念头来去，
刹那间，我醒了过来，
就这样走出门口。
生了孩子以后，
来到法国以后，
我其实一直有小小的发作。
都度过了。
我和我自己的战争结束了。
我还是会害怕，
我依然会恐慌，
但是，
我不打仗了。
I am me .
I am who I am ,
I am a person with a phobia, or two, or three.
and that's clear.
Monday, July 16, 2012
July Energy Forecast 2012 with Lee Harris
以下这篇长长的文字，
就是 Lee Harris 的演说，
演说片段在最下方，你可以边听边读，非常清楚。
我强烈建议你花点时间和心思，
去听，去读，去反思。
Shifting To Action In Our Spiral Of Evolution
The second half of 2012 has begun, and the time of action is now upon us more than ever. We will see this playing out everywhere. The coming six months will see more external and practical movement than the first. We will each play our part in the action, and the way our bodies feel about what is happening will guide us to our place. We will all have moments where we are tired and trying to catch up with what is going on, as it is intense on the body. So honour your needs as much as you give out to others, especially if you recognise yourself as a giver or a lighthouse for the troubles or needs of others. Women and those strong in the feminine/nurturing especially, take heed of this. Need is on the rise, therefore so too must self-care become stronger.
Invite yourself, where possible, to turn your feelings into action in July.
How do you want to live your life now?
What do you want to change in the coming weeks and months?
How do you want our planet and its life to look in the future?
This is a time of so many questions. And that is not an easy process to go through.
We are being asked to step out of what we have known as a way of life for decades and to look a little closer at what is going on. To peek behind the curtain, however scary it may be. It can be disorientating to notice change happening. Even if we think the structure of life still looks the way it used to, it doesn't feel the same way. And the strong sense of fast change is in the air in July, more so than in any month this year.
We are being called to ask questions about our future ways. Questions about planetary resources. Questions about banking systems and our governments. Questions we have perhaps never previously asked, with answers that don't seem clear. More people are beginning to wonder about how we are doing as a race on a planet at a unique point in time. More people are looking outside the four walls of their home and at the bigger picture unfolding. A picture that has unique circumstances which our more recent predecessors did not have to go through.
We are now asking questions that previously, a government, or a parent, or a company we work for took care of for us. This is a collective change.
What does this change create in us? It creates ongoing ripples and waves in the energy and physical body. The energy body holding the feeling, thought and spirit of you. The physical body holding the grounded and historic part of you.
Some of the experiences brought on by these waves are; confusion, fear, liberation, grief, claustrophobia, excitement, anger, awakening, sadness, enlightenment.
This is a universal energy experience, however you might be going through it. Some will go through it via the catalyst of cancer, some through the catalyst of losing their job and others just through their sensory experience of what is taking place in the world.
Several routes, same destination.
Most of you reading this will not relate to every reaction I just listed. But all of you will relate to at least one of the experiences. For that spectrum of experience is currently 'us'. We are each a unique part of the human tapestry, but contained within a range of reactions and feelings. Contained because we share in (and pick up on) the group reactions we are surrounded by. And these are intensely feeling times, so if you aren't directly in crisis yourself, you will have an increasing number of crises around you in those you know.
Life on Earth in general is exhibiting crisis, and we humans are mirroring the state of our planet. When in crisis, things can look very bleak and feel very painful. But as those of you who have been through great crises in your life before know, if you are lucky enough to have come out stronger on the other side, you understand the possibilities of renewal and rebirth that crisis points bring.
So, we can allow this reality to be depressing or inspiring. And there is no prescription for how our situation should make you feel. The best we can do is be honest with ourselves about where we are at, and work with that place within us as honestly as we can.
I have heard stories from those imprisoned in concentration camps during the second world war, as to how different the reactions of prisoners were. There were those prisoners who withdrew into devastation and those who kept the spirit of the group alive. And that these energies could move and shift through the group, as time went on. So, the devastated would refind their will to live, and the spirited would become devastated for a while. This reminds us that the human spirit is ever moving and resilient, even in the most challenging of circumstances. And that humans can inspire other humans.
We have an opportunity now to inspire and affect positive change, but to effectively do this, we must equally honour and become aware of what is going on inside of us. So if we are depressed or in grief, then that is the feeling we must honour and learn to work with, or seek support for, until we reset ourselves.
Not everyone will feel depressed, just as not everyone will feel excited. But the excited people will have the strength inside themselves to see the potentials, and powered by their strength, will lead the way toward creating it. And when or if their strength disappears or dims for a time, the baton of strength can be picked up by someone else in our human tapestry. Someone who the previously strong people perhaps helped to get back onto their feet when they were down. This is the 'wheel effect' of human energy in motion. The sharing planet, sharing the leadership, sharing the strength, supporting those more in need.
The depressed people will go through their grieving process and return to their strength if they can find the right direction and support. Their direct experience of grief will then help them in nurturing and guiding others in depression. Nothing is wasted as we can use our empathy to help us find our action. For example, if you feel sad about the struggles of the elderly in life, this is a sign of direction for you, and you may wish to lend your time to helping the elderly in your community. Many sensitive people feel sad right now because of what they are picking up on in the outer world. Often engaging in helping in the areas you feel most touched by, is the remedy for this. The body and its feelings can be a great compass for you in that sense.
I am conscious that many in the spiritual community want solely to focus on the 'heights' we can attain, but in my view and experience, the greater heights are only reached by being uncensored in ourselves about the low points you may experience or witness. The difficult feelings, or thoughts which come up. The difficult experiences which play out around you.
Life is a spiral path for all of us. We are constantly invited to evolve upwards in life, but we move up and down within that spiral of evolution. With the down moments, we are invited to take the time to stabilise our new heights reached. This is why we are often returned to replays of the past to see how we are doing with moving on. So for example, you may see old relationship dynamics you used to experience playing out with a new friend, albeit this time at subtler levels than before. If you notice this, recognise there are two opportunities. One; to show you how you have moved on from a dynamic you used to be caught in. Two; to give you an opportunity to change the dynamic this time, or to simply recognise you can walk away from it if the person is exhibiting behaviour that you've identified does not work well with your chemistry.
One of the low points we can get into as human beings, is in not trusting that we each have our role to play – losing our sense of purpose, which is strong for many right now. It can be a great gift to feel purposeless for a while, unless you are angry at yourself for that experience – then it can be a painful experience. Low self-esteem can get in the way of you living your purpose, but perhaps more destructive to human growth, is the judgement of others.
I sometimes meet those on the spiritual path who believe that the revolution on Earth has to be a 'certain' way. That a certain tradition or practise which they follow is superior to all else. If any of you are holding that energy, now is the time to closely look at it and ask yourself why you feel so convinced of what the rest of the world needs? How could you possibly know what will work for everyone else? The greatest knowing you will ever be able to master is the knowing you will come to inside yourself. Whether you call that knowing God, or your higher self, or just knowing you.
So honour and love your own practise but deeply commit to it for yourself, without distracting yourself by needing others to join you in it. Remember, several routes, same destination. So whenever you catch that need for others to do it 'your way', recognise how your energy is externalising onto others. Projecting your belief outward, rather than deepening inward with your belief, thus losing your own energy.
The seed of war that exists in us as humans runs deep and that is what this energy of projection speaks of. The effects of war energy are what we are dealing with in the world on a major level now, and it is becoming more exposed every day. So do not be surprised if those around you begin exhibiting this energy in subtle and bigger ways.
The seed of war is: wanting/needing power over others and their ways of being, or a belief there are lesser people than yourself. Both of these speak of energetic disconnection from the heart of yourself and your fellow man/woman. And it shows up in subtle ways for all of us, as it is an energy we have shared in over time.
Judgement of the ways of others, feeling superior to others or believing you are more advanced than others are the evident traps in the spiritual community. None of these thoughts or projections will help the 'others' you are viewing that way to evolve. It will just dim your own energy to create the good you are capable of creating, and puts back out into the world further seeds of war energy, thus encouraging others to contract in fear rather than expand in love.
If you find yourself being judged by another, step away or say something to them, as it will not help you or any of us to be on the direct receiving end of judgement right now. And that energy will be flying around as the ego and male shadow energy shake through us as a collective in transformation following the Venus transit and rise of the feminine.
Finally, the speed of our time is rapid, and the third eye and crown areas are opening fast right now. So the intuitive among you will be noticing that visions and intuitions you have will be transforming and changing, sometimes within hours or days. This is due to a higher level of consciousness arriving at a planetary level. Metaphorically speaking, the psychic ceiling just raised by 100 feet on Earth, almost overnight during June. This invites a more intuitive space for everyone on Earth to walk into, which is a good thing. But for those already developed with the psychic highways, it will be a little crazy up there for a while as you adjust to the new level of speed and information. It's the difference between road traffic in the countryside and the city (for a clear picture, imagine Delhi, India!!).
So take time to get used to it, and don't be surprised if timelines and possibilities that you see and vision for yourself or others, are rapidly shifting for a while.
Much love to all
Lee
Affirmation for July;
I will be clear in my actions and do as I feel to do
I will be kind to myself when I stumble or am tired
I will be compassionate toward the pain of others
I will not ingest the judgment of others
I will be free of expectations and live more in the now
I am open to love and support for myself and our world, for it is out there, always
就是 Lee Harris 的演说，
演说片段在最下方，你可以边听边读，非常清楚。
我强烈建议你花点时间和心思，
去听，去读，去反思。
Shifting To Action In Our Spiral Of Evolution
The second half of 2012 has begun, and the time of action is now upon us more than ever. We will see this playing out everywhere. The coming six months will see more external and practical movement than the first. We will each play our part in the action, and the way our bodies feel about what is happening will guide us to our place. We will all have moments where we are tired and trying to catch up with what is going on, as it is intense on the body. So honour your needs as much as you give out to others, especially if you recognise yourself as a giver or a lighthouse for the troubles or needs of others. Women and those strong in the feminine/nurturing especially, take heed of this. Need is on the rise, therefore so too must self-care become stronger.
Invite yourself, where possible, to turn your feelings into action in July.
How do you want to live your life now?
What do you want to change in the coming weeks and months?
How do you want our planet and its life to look in the future?
This is a time of so many questions. And that is not an easy process to go through.
We are being asked to step out of what we have known as a way of life for decades and to look a little closer at what is going on. To peek behind the curtain, however scary it may be. It can be disorientating to notice change happening. Even if we think the structure of life still looks the way it used to, it doesn't feel the same way. And the strong sense of fast change is in the air in July, more so than in any month this year.
We are being called to ask questions about our future ways. Questions about planetary resources. Questions about banking systems and our governments. Questions we have perhaps never previously asked, with answers that don't seem clear. More people are beginning to wonder about how we are doing as a race on a planet at a unique point in time. More people are looking outside the four walls of their home and at the bigger picture unfolding. A picture that has unique circumstances which our more recent predecessors did not have to go through.
We are now asking questions that previously, a government, or a parent, or a company we work for took care of for us. This is a collective change.
What does this change create in us? It creates ongoing ripples and waves in the energy and physical body. The energy body holding the feeling, thought and spirit of you. The physical body holding the grounded and historic part of you.
Some of the experiences brought on by these waves are; confusion, fear, liberation, grief, claustrophobia, excitement, anger, awakening, sadness, enlightenment.
This is a universal energy experience, however you might be going through it. Some will go through it via the catalyst of cancer, some through the catalyst of losing their job and others just through their sensory experience of what is taking place in the world.
Several routes, same destination.
Most of you reading this will not relate to every reaction I just listed. But all of you will relate to at least one of the experiences. For that spectrum of experience is currently 'us'. We are each a unique part of the human tapestry, but contained within a range of reactions and feelings. Contained because we share in (and pick up on) the group reactions we are surrounded by. And these are intensely feeling times, so if you aren't directly in crisis yourself, you will have an increasing number of crises around you in those you know.
Life on Earth in general is exhibiting crisis, and we humans are mirroring the state of our planet. When in crisis, things can look very bleak and feel very painful. But as those of you who have been through great crises in your life before know, if you are lucky enough to have come out stronger on the other side, you understand the possibilities of renewal and rebirth that crisis points bring.
So, we can allow this reality to be depressing or inspiring. And there is no prescription for how our situation should make you feel. The best we can do is be honest with ourselves about where we are at, and work with that place within us as honestly as we can.
I have heard stories from those imprisoned in concentration camps during the second world war, as to how different the reactions of prisoners were. There were those prisoners who withdrew into devastation and those who kept the spirit of the group alive. And that these energies could move and shift through the group, as time went on. So, the devastated would refind their will to live, and the spirited would become devastated for a while. This reminds us that the human spirit is ever moving and resilient, even in the most challenging of circumstances. And that humans can inspire other humans.
We have an opportunity now to inspire and affect positive change, but to effectively do this, we must equally honour and become aware of what is going on inside of us. So if we are depressed or in grief, then that is the feeling we must honour and learn to work with, or seek support for, until we reset ourselves.
Not everyone will feel depressed, just as not everyone will feel excited. But the excited people will have the strength inside themselves to see the potentials, and powered by their strength, will lead the way toward creating it. And when or if their strength disappears or dims for a time, the baton of strength can be picked up by someone else in our human tapestry. Someone who the previously strong people perhaps helped to get back onto their feet when they were down. This is the 'wheel effect' of human energy in motion. The sharing planet, sharing the leadership, sharing the strength, supporting those more in need.
The depressed people will go through their grieving process and return to their strength if they can find the right direction and support. Their direct experience of grief will then help them in nurturing and guiding others in depression. Nothing is wasted as we can use our empathy to help us find our action. For example, if you feel sad about the struggles of the elderly in life, this is a sign of direction for you, and you may wish to lend your time to helping the elderly in your community. Many sensitive people feel sad right now because of what they are picking up on in the outer world. Often engaging in helping in the areas you feel most touched by, is the remedy for this. The body and its feelings can be a great compass for you in that sense.
I am conscious that many in the spiritual community want solely to focus on the 'heights' we can attain, but in my view and experience, the greater heights are only reached by being uncensored in ourselves about the low points you may experience or witness. The difficult feelings, or thoughts which come up. The difficult experiences which play out around you.
Life is a spiral path for all of us. We are constantly invited to evolve upwards in life, but we move up and down within that spiral of evolution. With the down moments, we are invited to take the time to stabilise our new heights reached. This is why we are often returned to replays of the past to see how we are doing with moving on. So for example, you may see old relationship dynamics you used to experience playing out with a new friend, albeit this time at subtler levels than before. If you notice this, recognise there are two opportunities. One; to show you how you have moved on from a dynamic you used to be caught in. Two; to give you an opportunity to change the dynamic this time, or to simply recognise you can walk away from it if the person is exhibiting behaviour that you've identified does not work well with your chemistry.
One of the low points we can get into as human beings, is in not trusting that we each have our role to play – losing our sense of purpose, which is strong for many right now. It can be a great gift to feel purposeless for a while, unless you are angry at yourself for that experience – then it can be a painful experience. Low self-esteem can get in the way of you living your purpose, but perhaps more destructive to human growth, is the judgement of others.
I sometimes meet those on the spiritual path who believe that the revolution on Earth has to be a 'certain' way. That a certain tradition or practise which they follow is superior to all else. If any of you are holding that energy, now is the time to closely look at it and ask yourself why you feel so convinced of what the rest of the world needs? How could you possibly know what will work for everyone else? The greatest knowing you will ever be able to master is the knowing you will come to inside yourself. Whether you call that knowing God, or your higher self, or just knowing you.
So honour and love your own practise but deeply commit to it for yourself, without distracting yourself by needing others to join you in it. Remember, several routes, same destination. So whenever you catch that need for others to do it 'your way', recognise how your energy is externalising onto others. Projecting your belief outward, rather than deepening inward with your belief, thus losing your own energy.
The seed of war that exists in us as humans runs deep and that is what this energy of projection speaks of. The effects of war energy are what we are dealing with in the world on a major level now, and it is becoming more exposed every day. So do not be surprised if those around you begin exhibiting this energy in subtle and bigger ways.
The seed of war is: wanting/needing power over others and their ways of being, or a belief there are lesser people than yourself. Both of these speak of energetic disconnection from the heart of yourself and your fellow man/woman. And it shows up in subtle ways for all of us, as it is an energy we have shared in over time.
Judgement of the ways of others, feeling superior to others or believing you are more advanced than others are the evident traps in the spiritual community. None of these thoughts or projections will help the 'others' you are viewing that way to evolve. It will just dim your own energy to create the good you are capable of creating, and puts back out into the world further seeds of war energy, thus encouraging others to contract in fear rather than expand in love.
If you find yourself being judged by another, step away or say something to them, as it will not help you or any of us to be on the direct receiving end of judgement right now. And that energy will be flying around as the ego and male shadow energy shake through us as a collective in transformation following the Venus transit and rise of the feminine.
Finally, the speed of our time is rapid, and the third eye and crown areas are opening fast right now. So the intuitive among you will be noticing that visions and intuitions you have will be transforming and changing, sometimes within hours or days. This is due to a higher level of consciousness arriving at a planetary level. Metaphorically speaking, the psychic ceiling just raised by 100 feet on Earth, almost overnight during June. This invites a more intuitive space for everyone on Earth to walk into, which is a good thing. But for those already developed with the psychic highways, it will be a little crazy up there for a while as you adjust to the new level of speed and information. It's the difference between road traffic in the countryside and the city (for a clear picture, imagine Delhi, India!!).
So take time to get used to it, and don't be surprised if timelines and possibilities that you see and vision for yourself or others, are rapidly shifting for a while.
Much love to all
Lee
Affirmation for July;
I will be clear in my actions and do as I feel to do
I will be kind to myself when I stumble or am tired
I will be compassionate toward the pain of others
I will not ingest the judgment of others
I will be free of expectations and live more in the now
I am open to love and support for myself and our world, for it is out there, always
神奇
听到什么就写下来，看得比较清楚，那脉络也容易整理。
一天到晚谈的都是马修的家事。
说到菲立的电脑里有一封信，
写给艾立克的，写了半年，一直增加内容，不断的修改，
感觉好像永远写不完，所以 永远寄不出去。
跟马修谈论家事，过去很容易谈到我们两个吵架。
现在情况有了明显的变化，
从来不问问题的马修，
在我提出某个看法的时候，因为事情牵涉到他很切身的感受，
他会质疑我，
而我受不了被质疑，
你质疑我的看法，就是质疑我的价值，
就是拒绝我的整个人，
我一向的感觉都这样。
不知不觉间，原来改变已经发生了。
当马修提出疑问，或反对我的说法，
我的本能反应还是相当不爽，
但是电光石火间，
我接受他的疑问，
很自然的把自己的理论根基摇松。
我的理论和看法，并不需要老树盘根，传承千年，
它们随时可以改变，
换个角度就变了，
而这个改变，一点也不会动摇到我存在的 价值，
我在我自己心目中的价值，以及，
我认为的，自己在马修心目中的价值。
我们竟然可以在那么敏感的课题上，
偶尔情绪有波动但是迅速表达出来，
我们竟然开始在很混乱的家庭纠纷课题上面，
交换意见和感受。
这对我来说，是很神奇的。
一天到晚谈的都是马修的家事。
说到菲立的电脑里有一封信，
写给艾立克的，写了半年，一直增加内容，不断的修改，
感觉好像永远写不完，所以 永远寄不出去。
跟马修谈论家事，过去很容易谈到我们两个吵架。
现在情况有了明显的变化，
从来不问问题的马修，
在我提出某个看法的时候，因为事情牵涉到他很切身的感受，
他会质疑我，
而我受不了被质疑，
你质疑我的看法，就是质疑我的价值，
就是拒绝我的整个人，
我一向的感觉都这样。
不知不觉间，原来改变已经发生了。
当马修提出疑问，或反对我的说法，
我的本能反应还是相当不爽，
但是电光石火间，
我接受他的疑问，
很自然的把自己的理论根基摇松。
我的理论和看法，并不需要老树盘根，传承千年，
它们随时可以改变，
换个角度就变了，
而这个改变，一点也不会动摇到我存在的 价值，
我在我自己心目中的价值，以及，
我认为的，自己在马修心目中的价值。
我们竟然可以在那么敏感的课题上，
偶尔情绪有波动但是迅速表达出来，
我们竟然开始在很混乱的家庭纠纷课题上面，
交换意见和感受。
这对我来说，是很神奇的。
Sunday, July 15, 2012
乱水
如果亚马逊盆地的一只蝴蝶舞翅都能影响大气，
影响我的生活，都与我有关，
现在安妈妈那边，她和她的儿子们之间的情绪大爆炸，
我不可能认为事不关己，然后己不劳心，
只是我的感觉有点出乎自己意料之外，
淡淡的。
菲立‘ 突然’ 要跟安妈妈断绝母子关系。
这 一路来，
安妈妈的离婚官司都由菲立和他的男友尚.加伯烈代为处理，
菲立在读法律，他帮助安妈妈打赢了官司，
同时，打垮了他的亲生父亲。
他处理安妈妈的账户， 研究安妈妈钱财的进出，
看到安妈妈多年来，
私底下替小弟欧汉雅还了多少债务，
凡上门讨债的，都是安妈妈在付，几千一万欧元，一大笔一大笔的付。
前几天，菲立情绪崩溃，
打电话痛骂欧汉雅，打电话痛骂亨利，打电话痛骂马修，
然后痛骂安妈妈。
一面痛骂自己。
他年少荒唐时，因为承认同性恋身份，同时因为经常偷窃，被艾立克逐出家门，
流落到巴黎，为了谋生，做过许多令他自己后悔的事。
当时所有他的卡债，也是安妈妈在付。
说回离婚官司，都打完了，剩下一些首尾，
菲立忽然撒手不肯再管，
撤消银行户口，公然拒绝安妈妈的汇款，
然后尚加伯列也参加，
痛骂了安妈妈 一个小时。
安妈妈整个崩溃。
尚加伯列现在情况不佳，他得了一种不知道什么病，头脑在慢慢的萎缩，
至今左边身体开始僵硬，医生们都找不到解决方法，告诉他如果情况一直这样下去，
他大概可以活四年。
他和菲立都很痛苦。
我以上写的，是从马修和安妈妈那里听回来的版本，
不是我第一手看见和感受到的。
安妈妈认为这是尚加伯烈自己快死了，不知何故心理失常，
怂恿菲立跟她断绝关系，好让他自己独霸菲立。 (?)
我有点写不下去了，
乱七八糟的，我真的不知道发生什么事，
我投降，不写了。
影响我的生活，都与我有关，
现在安妈妈那边，她和她的儿子们之间的情绪大爆炸，
我不可能认为事不关己，然后己不劳心，
只是我的感觉有点出乎自己意料之外，
淡淡的。
菲立‘ 突然’ 要跟安妈妈断绝母子关系。
这 一路来，
安妈妈的离婚官司都由菲立和他的男友尚.加伯烈代为处理，
菲立在读法律，他帮助安妈妈打赢了官司，
同时，打垮了他的亲生父亲。
他处理安妈妈的账户， 研究安妈妈钱财的进出，
看到安妈妈多年来，
私底下替小弟欧汉雅还了多少债务，
凡上门讨债的，都是安妈妈在付，几千一万欧元，一大笔一大笔的付。
前几天，菲立情绪崩溃，
打电话痛骂欧汉雅，打电话痛骂亨利，打电话痛骂马修，
然后痛骂安妈妈。
一面痛骂自己。
他年少荒唐时，因为承认同性恋身份，同时因为经常偷窃，被艾立克逐出家门，
流落到巴黎，为了谋生，做过许多令他自己后悔的事。
当时所有他的卡债，也是安妈妈在付。
说回离婚官司，都打完了，剩下一些首尾，
菲立忽然撒手不肯再管，
撤消银行户口，公然拒绝安妈妈的汇款，
然后尚加伯列也参加，
痛骂了安妈妈 一个小时。
安妈妈整个崩溃。
尚加伯列现在情况不佳，他得了一种不知道什么病，头脑在慢慢的萎缩，
至今左边身体开始僵硬，医生们都找不到解决方法，告诉他如果情况一直这样下去，
他大概可以活四年。
他和菲立都很痛苦。
我以上写的，是从马修和安妈妈那里听回来的版本，
不是我第一手看见和感受到的。
安妈妈认为这是尚加伯烈自己快死了，不知何故心理失常，
怂恿菲立跟她断绝关系，好让他自己独霸菲立。 (?)
我有点写不下去了，
乱七八糟的，我真的不知道发生什么事，
我投降，不写了。
i miss you
得了一台操作简单的基本型缝纫机，
还有安妈妈多年来收藏的许多布匹和各色线轴，
整理的时候，
取出自己的针线盒子，望着这片才开始绣了一点点就停了下来的女红，
我心目中春天的小 花园，
久久的发呆。
已经多少年了，
我从来没有完成过任何事，
不要说一气呵成，
无数口气呵呵呵，喘喘喘，感觉上也无法完成。
永远只能先做眼前急迫的，
抹掉满地的饮料，换尿片，做饭，
这些日子以来，情绪又来得凶，消耗无数能量去面对，
我那些小小的心情， 一点一点的，先放一边，再放一边，还是放一边......
I miss myself so much。
致小读者
亲爱的小读者，
有时你感到困惑，
你觉得你好像懂得这个阿姨在写什么，说什么，
又好像不是很懂。
有时你满兴奋的，对 !! 你说，就是这样，大胆的做自己!!
大胆的做自己，不要在乎别人的眼光，
大胆的做自己，不要理会别人怎么想 !!!
亲爱的小读者，
你是自由的，你就按照你所能理解的方式去理解，去诠释，甚至去模仿吧，
你是自由的，
没有对或错，你去尝试，
撞到墙的时候，感觉被围堵， 被攻打的时候，
你会学到你自己的东西。
祝撞墙愉快。
有时你感到困惑，
你觉得你好像懂得这个阿姨在写什么，说什么，
又好像不是很懂。
有时你满兴奋的，对 !! 你说，就是这样，大胆的做自己!!
大胆的做自己，不要在乎别人的眼光，
大胆的做自己，不要理会别人怎么想 !!!
亲爱的小读者，
你是自由的，你就按照你所能理解的方式去理解，去诠释，甚至去模仿吧，
你是自由的，
没有对或错，你去尝试，
撞到墙的时候，感觉被围堵， 被攻打的时候，
你会学到你自己的东西。
祝撞墙愉快。
me
at least half my life,
i have been apologetic enough for being a so-called unstable substance.
for once,
i permit myself,
to be who i really am.
not as the person you see,
but as the person i feel.
i have been apologetic enough for being a so-called unstable substance.
for once,
i permit myself,
to be who i really am.
not as the person you see,
but as the person i feel.
Thesaurus entry for this meaning of unstable
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